ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
