I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize