ya dads aren't the best wingmen
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
