Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
