be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
