Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
