I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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