And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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