someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
