I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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