She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
