You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
