I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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