Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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