I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
