i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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