I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
