last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
