I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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