dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
