Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
