Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
