i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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