Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
