Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There r osticjed everywhere
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
