Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
