no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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