I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
