I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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