my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
