the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
