I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
