My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
