Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
