good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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