Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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