Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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