I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
