Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
