I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
