My first STD was from a foam party
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
