he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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