Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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