I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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