were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
