Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
