I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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