Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
