carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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