She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
