there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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