He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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