Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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