Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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