Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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