im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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