it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
